{"id":3445,"date":"2021-08-21T17:15:04","date_gmt":"2021-08-21T17:15:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/?p=3445"},"modified":"2021-08-21T17:15:04","modified_gmt":"2021-08-21T17:15:04","slug":"a-new-way-to-view-human-connection","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/?p=3445","title":{"rendered":"A New Way To View Human Connection"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Spencer Lee, MSW Intern<\/strong><\/p>\n

John Gottman is a world-renowned therapist and psychology researcher, famous for his work surrounding couples, marriage, and divorce. You may have heard of his version of the \u2018Four Horsemen\u2019 in relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. John, and his wife Julie, founded the Gottman Institute where you can find different resources and trainings for couples, parents, and professionals.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

John Gottman also coined the term \u201cbid for connection\u201d which is the \u201cfundamental unit of emotional communication\u201d between two people. Most often, bids are being made between couples, but they also appear between friends, family members, and even strangers. We make and receive bids all the time. They can be verbal, nonverbal, subtle, or obvious; sometimes bids for connection are presented in ways that come off as attention-seeking or argument-provoking. We aren\u2019t always adept at recognizing them or making the intent behind them clear, which can cause conflict in relationships.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How do bids for connection appear in our lives?<\/strong><\/p>\n

The trouble with these bids is that they aren\u2019t always obvious. A bid for connection can look like \u201cHow was work today?\u201d or \u201cCheck out this TikTok I just saw!\u201d. A bid can be asking someone to join you on an errand and it can even look like starting an argument to gain someone\u2019s attention, even if it comes in the form of conflict.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Because bids can be subtle and don\u2019t always directly express their intent, we aren\u2019t always the best at recognizing them for what they are. Any time someone makes a bid, they are asking to connect with you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How can we better respond to bids from others?<\/strong><\/p>\n

The most important thing we can do when responding to bids from others is to recognize it as a request for connection. Like I mentioned earlier, a bid for connection can come across as your partner starting an argument. Without any knowledge of how people make bids, you\u2019re likely to become irritated with your partner for starting an argument- when all they really wanted was your attention.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Once we have recognized an action as a bid for connection, we have three options. We can turn toward, turn away, or turn against someone\u2019s request for connection. Turning toward a bid involves engaging with your partner and giving them the connection they are asking for. Turning away from the bid would be ignoring the request altogether and turning against the bid involves meeting the request with hostility or quickly shutting them down.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Let\u2019s look at an example. You make a \u201cbid\u201d by telling your partner about the crazy traffic you encountered earlier. Your partner can a) turn towards the bid by saying \u201cOh man I saw that too, I wonder if there was an accident in that area\u201d or b) turn away from the bid by going \u201cMhm\u201d or c) turn against the bid responding, \u201cYou always find something to complain about\u201d.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How can we make \u201cbetter\u201d bids?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Learning about these requests for connection can highlight how we make bids in our own lives. Has anyone ever shot you down or ignored you when you tried to engage with them? Many times, bids are not accepted by accident- because the person does not realize it is someone\u2019s desire for connection. So, one of the best things we can do to earn the connection we seek is to open up with the person about our request. You are more likely to be told \u201cno\u201d or get shrugged off when saying \u201cHey look at this picture\u201d rather than saying \u201cI really want to connect with you right now.\u201d By making your intent know, it is more likely the person you\u2019re trying to connect with will do so.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Now, it would become pretty annoying if every time we wanted to share a moment with someone we had a full-blown discussion about our desire for connection. However, your relationship may benefit from sitting down with a person who has been turning away from or against your bids recently and telling them how it is impacting you. On the flip side, if your partner often turns toward your bids, you can take a moment to tell them how much you appreciate their effort to connect with you.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Why do bids matter anyway?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Bids for connection are omnipresent and essential to building strong relationships. Having a bid be turned away from or against is not a good feeling; continuous rejection of bids can lead to feelings of loneliness, disconnection, resentment, sadness and anger. Although when a person rejects a bid they are probably just saying \u201cI\u2019m tired right now\u201d, or \u201cI\u2019m upset with you at the moment\u201d, it can feel like the message is \u201cI don\u2019t like you and you don\u2019t deserve to connect with me\u201d. Turning against or away from bids can be hurtful, even unintentionally. So, next time someone asks you to join them at the grocery store, consider the meaning behind their request and express your feelings on connection too!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by Spencer Lee, MSW Intern John Gottman is a world-renowned therapist and psychology researcher, famous for his work surrounding couples, marriage, and divorce. You may have heard of his version of the \u2018Four Horsemen\u2019 in relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. John, and his wife Julie, founded the Gottman Institute where you can find different […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":2356,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[20,57,63,105,106,131],"class_list":["post-3445","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationships","tag-affection","tag-connection","tag-couples-counseling","tag-gottman","tag-gottman-institute","tag-improving-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3445","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3445"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3445\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2356"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3445"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3445"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3445"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}