{"id":4009,"date":"2023-03-02T13:30:33","date_gmt":"2023-03-02T13:30:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/seasonal-depression-copy\/"},"modified":"2023-03-02T13:30:33","modified_gmt":"2023-03-02T13:30:33","slug":"tips-for-healthy-communication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/?p=4009","title":{"rendered":"Tips for Healthy Communication"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Spencer Lee, LCSWA<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Communication is everything. It\u2019s how we express our thoughts, feelings, and wants to others. It\u2019s how others let us know what they need and how they feel toward us. The bottom line is that without communication, nothing changes. If we\u2019re unhappy, we stay unhappy without communication and the same is true for those around us.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Below are two examples handling the same situation. Michael feels his relationship has been unfair recently. He cooks 4-5 nights a week and does the grocery shopping beforehand and clean up after too. His wife, Abby, works long hours and likes to have time to relax after work and decompress. One example is unhealthy communication and the other is healthy. See if you can spot the difference.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

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Scenario 1:<\/b> Abby comes home and Michael has cooked dinner. After dinner Abby sets her plate in the sink and sits down to watch tv.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

M: \u201cIt\u2019d be nice if you helped me with the dishes for once\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A: \u201cHoney, I had a long day at work and really want to relax\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

M: *sighs* \u201cYou never help me and it makes me feel like I\u2019m just a maid\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A: \u201cWhat are you even talking about? I help with laundry and the kids all the time!!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

M: *shuts down and walks into the bedroom*<\/span><\/p>\n

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Scenario 2:<\/b> \u201cHey Abby *smiles* I wanted to talk to you about something. Is now a good time?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A: \u201cSure, what\u2019s up?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

M: \u201cI\u2019ve noticed the last few weeks I\u2019ve taken on most of the cooking and cleaning responsibilities. This responsibility has felt burdensome to me and I\u2019ve started to feel a sense of resentment that our share of work at home is uneven. It would be really helpful to me if we could share that task and you cook a few nights a week.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A: \u201cThank you for sharing that with me Michael. I had no clue you were feeling that way. I feel overwhelmed too with work and the other tasks I take on at home so I don\u2019t think I can take on cooking too.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

M: \u201cI understand you\u2019re busy. Could we come to a compromise that when I cook you take care of the dishes? Or could we set aside time to meal prep together?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A: \u201cI think I could handle the dishes a few times when you cook and we can check in later to see how that\u2019s working for us.\u201d<\/span>
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The second example is one of healthy, effective communication. In that scenario, Michael followed the acronym DEARMAN.\u00a0 DEARMAN is a skill commonly taught in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy).<\/span><\/p>\n

D<\/b>– Describe the situation objectively. In this step the goal is to act like a lawyer-only present indisputable facts of what has happened. Avoid any charged language or blaming. Michael stated clearly that he has done a majority of cooking the last few weeks.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

E<\/b>– Express how you\u2019re feeling. The important part here is to narrow down what exactly you are feeling. Are you mad? Or are you hurt? Do you hate your partner? Or do you feel resentful toward something in the relationship that hasn\u2019t been addressed? Michael expressed he felt responsibilities were uneven and identified resentment.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A<\/b>– Assert your needs. Ask for what you want. Suggest a solution to the problem. Michael had two suggestions-meal prep and helping with dishes.<\/span><\/p>\n

R<\/b>– Reinforce and reward change. When we see positive changes we want to point these out and praise the other person to encourage this to continue. In the future when Michael sees Abby helping with the dishes, he says \u201cThank you so much for doing that. I feel like we\u2019re a team when you help me clean up dinner.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

M<\/b>– Mindful. Be mindful of the topic you are discussing and stick to this. Stay away from statements like \u201cI help with the laundry and the kids all the time\u201d when the conversation is about cooking.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

A<\/b>– Appear. This part of the acronym applies to body language. Notice in the example above that Michael smiled. This can also look like eye contact or sitting facing the other person.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

N<\/b>– Negotiate and find a compromise. Abby wasn\u2019t willing to cook but she was willing to help with dishes.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Extra tips for healthy communication:<\/span><\/p>\n