{"id":4199,"date":"2023-12-05T15:00:44","date_gmt":"2023-12-05T15:00:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/tips-for-healthy-communication-copy\/"},"modified":"2024-10-17T20:24:26","modified_gmt":"2024-10-17T20:24:26","slug":"invisible-red-flags","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stillpointcounselingandwellness.com\/?p=4199","title":{"rendered":"Invisible Red Flags"},"content":{"rendered":"

by Spencer Lee, LCSWA<\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

Have you ever heard of invisible red flags?!\u00a0 If not, this article is for you, as we will share some information about this phenomena.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

As a collective experience, I think one major characteristic of experiencing or having previously experienced domestic violence (DV) is a sense of shame or embarrassment. How did I end up in this situation? This is not what I expected my life to look like. Why haven\u2019t I left?<\/span><\/p>\n

The <\/span>Department of Justice<\/span><\/a> defines domestic violence as \u201ca pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of action or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship\u201d. For those who have not been exposed to domestic abuse, it is hard to understand why someone doesn\u2019t \u201cjust leave\u201d. So I want to share some of the ways in which people get sucked into these scary situations and why it isn\u2019t so easy to \u201cjust leave\u201d.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

How do we get caught in abusive relationships?<\/b><\/p>\n

Something I often think about in response to shame such as \u201chow did I end up here?\u201d is the idea that abusers are sneaky. For anyone thinking about an abusive situation, if you knew everything you do know about this person on your first date, would you be with them now? <\/span>Of course not!<\/span><\/i> And that\u2019s not the way these relationships work.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Oftentimes, those experiencing DV have been \u201clove bombed\u201d a term used to explain a process in which abusers shower their victims with love, admiration, and attention early on into the relationship. When this period of the relationship is over, things change slowly; so slowly it is hard to notice until things are really bad. The aftermath of love bombing is that later in the relationship when things go south, the victim is left hoping that things will return to better days- since they have evidence that better days are possible. This love bombing is one of the first cloaks of invisibility for the red flags to come.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Another instance in which red flags become invisible is because our society has normalized abusive behaviors. I can\u2019t tell you how many times I thought it was normal for your partner to know the password on your phone or to share your location with them 24\/7. In fact, all of my friends thought it was normal too. The norm was that <\/span>you<\/span><\/i> were up to no good if you did not give up passwords and access to your location.\u00a0 It was not until I became an intern with New Hanover County\u2019s Domestic Violence Shelter and Services (DVSS) that I learned these behaviors are not healthy. Even in relationships, we still have the right to privacy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Finally, what I see as the biggest invisible red flag is the manipulative behavior in abuser\u2019s. Like I said before, if we knew all the worst details about a relationship on the first date, we would never start that relationship; however, abusive dynamics are not that explicit. Take this example of controlling behavior.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sally and John are dating and things are going well. Sally goes to see her friends for coffee. When Sally returns, she and John are fighting constantly and he keeps talking about how lonely he was during this time, or how he doesn\u2019t put his friends over her. Not once did John say \u201cYou are not allowed to spend time with your friends\u201d, because that would be crazy and no one would stay in a relationship with that kind of \u201crule\u201d. So John never explicitly says that, yet his actions convey a message that when Sally spends time with friends, she is in trouble. This messaging teaches Sally that life is easier for her to isolate from friends and family.<\/span><\/p>\n

That is just one example. Here is a well-known graphic amongst the DV community, displaying various ways power and control is used over victims. This is not an exhaustive list.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Power<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Why don\u2019t they just leave?<\/b><\/p>\n

Below are a few common reasons why victims of abuse stay in violent relationships. Click <\/span>here<\/span><\/a> for more information.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n