Invisible Red Flags

Have you ever heard of invisible red flags?!  If not, this article is for you, as we will share some information about this phenomena. 

As a collective experience, I think one major characteristic of experiencing or having previously experienced domestic violence (DV) is a sense of shame or embarrassment. How did I end up in this situation? This is not what I expected my life to look like. Why haven’t I left?

The Department of Justice defines domestic violence as “a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of action or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship”. For those who have not been exposed to domestic abuse, it is hard to understand why someone doesn’t “just leave”. So I want to share some of the ways in which people get sucked into these scary situations and why it isn’t so easy to “just leave”. 

How do we get caught in abusive relationships?

Something I often think about in response to shame such as “how did I end up here?” is the idea that abusers are sneaky. For anyone thinking about an abusive situation, if you knew everything you do know about this person on your first date, would you be with them now? Of course not! And that’s not the way these relationships work. 

Oftentimes, those experiencing DV have been “love bombed” a term used to explain a process in which abusers shower their victims with love, admiration, and attention early on into the relationship. When this period of the relationship is over, things change slowly; so slowly it is hard to notice until things are really bad. The aftermath of love bombing is that later in the relationship when things go south, the victim is left hoping that things will return to better days- since they have evidence that better days are possible. This love bombing is one of the first cloaks of invisibility for the red flags to come. 

Another instance in which red flags become invisible is because our society has normalized abusive behaviors. I can’t tell you how many times I thought it was normal for your partner to know the password on your phone or to share your location with them 24/7. In fact, all of my friends thought it was normal too. The norm was that you were up to no good if you did not give up passwords and access to your location.  It was not until I became an intern with New Hanover County’s Domestic Violence Shelter and Services (DVSS) that I learned these behaviors are not healthy. Even in relationships, we still have the right to privacy. 

Finally, what I see as the biggest invisible red flag is the manipulative behavior in abuser’s. Like I said before, if we knew all the worst details about a relationship on the first date, we would never start that relationship; however, abusive dynamics are not that explicit. Take this example of controlling behavior. 

Sally and John are dating and things are going well. Sally goes to see her friends for coffee. When Sally returns, she and John are fighting constantly and he keeps talking about how lonely he was during this time, or how he doesn’t put his friends over her. Not once did John say “You are not allowed to spend time with your friends”, because that would be crazy and no one would stay in a relationship with that kind of “rule”. So John never explicitly says that, yet his actions convey a message that when Sally spends time with friends, she is in trouble. This messaging teaches Sally that life is easier for her to isolate from friends and family.

That is just one example. Here is a well-known graphic amongst the DV community, displaying various ways power and control is used over victims. This is not an exhaustive list. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why don’t they just leave?

Below are a few common reasons why victims of abuse stay in violent relationships. Click here for more information. 

• Financial abuse leaves victims with no resources to leave and/or their ability to live independently 
• Fear of losing custody of children involved
• Fear of leaving their pets behind 
• Repercussions of leaving- will the abuser follow them?
• Fear that the legal system will not hold the abuser accountable or protect the victim appropriately 
• Not being able to access safe resources due to immigration status
• Physical or mental disability preventing someone from accessing resources or being able to stand up for themselves
• Some cultures normalize unhealthy behaviors more than others and it may not be in someone’s belief system to leave a relationship

How can you support others?

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline offers information on how you can support someone experiencing domestic violence. It all starts with recognizing the signs. As mentioned earlier, because there can be so much shame wrapped up in experiencing DV, someone may not directly express this to you- even if they are closely related to you. Look out for the following signs:

Below are ways in which you can support a victim of domestic violence:

• Be a listening ear
• Provide resources such as your local DV shelter or the domestic violence hotline
• Encourage your friend or family to stay connected through phone or in-person hang outs
• Help maintain privacy by avoidance posting on social media where your loved one works, lives, or spends free time
• Offer to accompany your loved one to legal appointments

Knowing someone experiencing DV is not easy. We want the best for this person and can sometimes get caught up in our best intentions. It is important to remember the following: 

• Respect and empower those experiencing DV by accepting that they are the experts of their own life. They know their situation better than anyone else and are capable of making the best decision. Pressuring others to leave the relationship or to make certain choices inherently takes power away from the person and disempowers them, similar to their abuser. 
• Your nonjudgmental support means the world. Many victims of abuse lose friends due to frustration that they have not left the relationship. This loss of support results in leaving becoming even more difficult.

Additional Resources:

The North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCCADV) works to end domestic violence in NC by providing training, engaging in preventative work, and even taking legal action to create state policy’s that support survivors. You can visit their website to donate, learn more about domestic abuse, or become an advocate.

Locally here in Wilmington, NC, the Domestic Violence Shelter and Services is available. This organization houses advocates that provides information to those experiencing domestic violence, offers legal assistance, provides shelter, and more. Their Open Gate office is open Mondays-Fridays located at 2901 Market Street, Wilmington, NC 28403. Click here for more information. 

Here at Stillpoint Counseling and Wellness, therapist Spencer Lee (me) will be hosting a group therapy focusing on education about healthy relationships and holding space for members to share their experiences with others to build community and long lasting ties. The group will start January 18th  for women ages 18+.  Contact our office to register

Tip: The Domestic Violence Shelter of Wilmington operates 3 local thrift stores- Vintage Values. All proceeds from Vintage Values directly supports the work they do and survivors of domestic violence are also able to receive supplies donated to the store, helping them regain independence. Next time you have items to donate, please consider making Vintage Values your donation center of choice.

 

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